Creating Margin Spaces in Parenting to Manage Stress

Your toddler is whining for apple juice, your older child requests more screen time, and your boss sends a last-minute message. Suddenly, your nervous system feels overwhelmed and you’re on the verge of losing your temper. If you often find yourself losing patience with your family, there’s a method to pause and reset, according to Cassidy Freitas, a licensed marriage and family therapist and mother of three.

Freitas advocates finding refuge in the ‘margins,’ those small spaces within your day, as detailed in her book Mom Needs A Moment, published in June. ‘When I feel dysregulated as a parent, what I often crave is space. Just give me a moment,’ she says, a sentiment echoed by many of her clients, who are often struggling mothers.

Having space to adjust emotions is vital. It enables parents to better manage their feelings and support their families. The challenge is severe for today’s parents, who spend more time on childcare and work than twenty years ago, according to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2024 advisory.

Freitas shares strategies to manage intense emotions in three common parenting scenarios.

Managing Morning Stress

The situation: You’re stressed this morning. Your big kid is late for school, your little one needs a diaper change, and you can’t find your keys.

Place your hand on your chest as a reminder to reset and take a deep breath. In moments of high parental stress, Freitas often touches her chest. ‘That’s always where urgency and dysregulation reside in me.’ This motion cues her to pause and take slow, purposeful breaths, aiding in calming her nervous system.

After overcoming that stressful moment, reflect on the true source of your anger. Is worry about judgment from parents or teachers causing anxiety over lateness? Understanding the root issue can guide better future decisions.

Balancing Social Events and Parenting

The situation: You want to attend a work happy hour, but it’s on the night you can be there for your child’s bedtime.

Freitas suggests giving yourself the advice you’d provide a best friend. Parents often struggle to prioritize their own needs amidst parenting demands. If guilt arises about personal time, examine its origin rather than letting it dictate choices.

Guilt signals actions possibly misaligned with values. But, is that true here? Showing children the importance of friendships as an example could be more valuable. Extend the same understanding to yourself that you’d offer a friend, Freitas advises.

Repairing After Losing Your Temper

The situation: You’re close to completing a task list, but your kids interrupt and you lose your temper, leading to feelings of parental inadequacy.

Freitas emphasizes repair with children by admitting mistakes. Losing patience is inevitable for parents, and as children also manage strong emotions while growing relationships, it’s crucial for them to observe parental reconciliation.

Level with your child in an age-appropriate way. Clarify that a parent’s outburst was not their fault. This acknowledgment creates space for connection and compassion.

‘Kids love that,’ Freitas says. ‘Seeing you as human makes you relatable.’ Knowing that making mistakes and learning from them is part of parenting encourages similar behavior in children. ‘Repairing relationships is a powerful parenting tool,’ says Freitas.

Explore more Life Kit articles on stress and parenting challenges.

• Fairly split household chores: Eve Rodsky and Jacqueline Misla guide dividing domestic tasks with a partner or roommate. Don’t forget to utilize the handy zine!
• Coping with parental burnout: Continuous parenting may lead to mental exhaustion, possibly indicating burnout. Address this through actionable steps.
• Transitioning back to work post-family leave: Resuming work after having a baby is daunting. Manage new parent emotions while reacclimating to job responsibilities.

This digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan, with illustrations inked and colored by Malaka Gharib.

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