From Abandonment in China to Embracing Identity in America
Growing up in Memphis, Tennessee, my life story began in China where I was abandoned at only 3 days old on a sidewalk in Nanchang, Jiangxi Province. For many years, I believed finding my birth family was impossible and that chapter of my life remained closed. However, after having children, this view shifted. The power of social media has linked people globally, sparking hope where none existed before. My story suddenly seemed worth telling.
Early Awareness of Adoption
From a young age, I understood I was adopted. It wasn’t a revelation or a formal discussion; it was openly communicated within my family. I distinctly remember reading documents that labeled me as an ‘officially abandoned child.’ That was when it truly hit me that my biological family had left me on a sidewalk, marking the first time I felt negativity about being adopted.
My adoptive mom always assured me that my birth family likely wanted me but wanted a better life for me. This belief offered comfort in my childhood. As an adult, the uncertainty lingers. I don’t doubt they loved me, but I suspect their love manifested differently.
Adoption and Early Challenges
At 14 months, I was adopted from an orphanage and was very ill. My mom feared I wouldn’t survive our first night together. I suffered from pneumonia in both lungs and had a flat head from lying untouched for so long. The orphanage was overcrowded and couldn’t care for sick babies, but my family was waiting, and our match saved me.
My childhood holds cherished memories: fall festivals, Christmas lights with my mom, and Thanksgiving gatherings. My grandmother often said, ‘God brought you here all the way from China to be my precious angel.’ Such sentiments filled my upbringing with love and belonging.
Identity and Self-Discovery
School brought some challenges, such as teasing over my adoption. The teasing ceased as others grew familiar with my story. In college, surrounded by new faces, I became more reflective of my Chinese identity. As a child, information about my biological family wasn’t sought after, only imagined. I pictured my birth mother in a yellow dress with siblings I never met.
For a long time, my past seemed fixed and beyond reach. I accepted the limited information I had, reluctant to search further. Amazingly, I waited until college to Google my birthplace. Discovering Nanchang looked modern was shocking, given the rural, poor descriptions I’d always heard. I had internalized a belief that digging deeper into my past wasn’t my right.
Returning to China and Evolving Emotions
At age 7, I returned to China through a program for ‘China’s lost girls.’ We toured Beijing, Shanghai, and other cities. Though a surreal experience, I was too young to grasp its full meaning. Now, my feelings on my abandonment continue to evolve. My understanding grows more complex, with more heartbreak for what my biological mother faced in making her decision.
This shift became evident after becoming a mother. Holding my daughter for the first time in 2021 changed my perspective profoundly. She was my first blood relative, a bond deeply felt again with my son. These experiences underlined how small I must have been when let go, making the idea of separation heart-wrenching.
Embracing Heritage
As a mother, my adoption journey has transformed. I’m not only an adopted child with roots in Chinese culture. I’m a Chinese mother nurturing Chinese children. This responsibility holds meaning. My daughter now attends kindergarten, and together we learn about Chinese traditions. We read books, watch videos, and discuss my adoption in terms she can grasp. Right now, it’s mostly about teaching her about China, familiarizing her with holidays, traditions, and foods that I’m discovering myself.
Search for Origins
For much of my life, my past felt like a void, something off-limits. Yet, sharing my scant information feels both daunting and empowering. I’m taking early steps to locate my birth family. An adoptee from the same orphanage and I are embarking on this search together, planning DNA tests and reaching out to organizations like the Nanchang Project and Baobeihuijia to increase visibility for our results.
Many questions await answers. I want to know my family’s history, origins, and if reconnecting won’t cause them distress, what circumstances led to my abandonment beyond the one-child policy. Mostly, I want to understand their lives, their similarities to mine, and our shared history.
I’ve chosen to remain largely unaware of the one-child policy details due to the emotional difficulty. Knowing my family’s potential struggles during that time is hard to face. My fate could have veered into tragedy, but I was fortunate. My adoptive parents loved me and my extended family offered acceptance.
I wonder how my life might differ had I stayed in China. Given the context of my abandonment, my life there might have been challenging. As I grieve lost connections, I wouldn’t trade my current life. If I ever meet my biological parents, I hope they see the life I’ve built as a testament to their hopes when they relinquished me.
Reflecting on the Present
Today, I’m a stay-at-home mom readying to return to work. Youthful dreams of becoming a news producer at Good Morning America have passed. I’ve learned that my current life is my peak. My family, children, and life’s current stage hold the most value. Embracing this realization brings peace and excitement for the future.