Exploring Your Competing Desires with a Simple Exercise
When you find yourself juggling the demands of a stable career and the pull of adventure, you might feel stretched thin. This was my experience in my late 20s while working in journalism. Long hours in public radio led to stress and a desire for change.
Psychotherapist Satya Doyle Byock addresses this common dilemma in her book, Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood. Byock explains that young adults often wrestle with stability and meaning. This period is known as ‘quarterlife,’ a phase marked by uncertainty and conflicting desires.
“A person might both want to live the single life and also long to be married with children,” Byock notes. “Feeling pulled apart by two opposing desires creates confusion.”
To help manage this, Byock developed a drawing exercise called “My Two Conflicting Selves.” Here’s how you can apply it to gain clarity:
Step 1: Draw Your Stick Figures
Fold a sheet of paper in half and draw a stick figure on each side. One should embody the ‘stability’ side, seeking safety and groundedness. The other represents the ‘meaning’ side, yearning for freedom and adventure.
Step 2: Name Each Side of Your Personality
Choose names for your stick figures. Personalize these with names from favorite shows or variations of your own name. This helps you recognize these parts of yourself, allowing deeper discussions in therapy or personal reflection.
Step 3: Write a Narrative Around Your Two Sides
Delve into each figure’s characteristics to reveal internal tensions. Ask questions like:
- What kind of job do you have?
- What is your relationship status?
- What do you do for fun?
- What are your hobbies?
- What is your dream vacation?
- Do you want children?
Respond as honestly as possible. Some answers may reflect your current reality, while others highlight aspirations.
Step 4: Observe Your Two Sides’ Wishes and Needs
Compare your responses. Note where your figures align and differ. This reflection helps you understand what you might need to change or incorporate into your life. For instance, both sides may want a pet for different reasons, indicating readiness for a pet with commitment and fulfillment in mind.
Step 5: Figure Out How to Fulfill Both Sides of Yourself
Assess which side dominates your life, expressing this as percentages. Decide if this balance works for you. If not, consider actions to achieve a desired equilibrium. For instance, increasing ‘meaning’ might involve spontaneous trips or surrounding yourself with reminders of past adventures.
Display the drawing as a reminder to harmonize these facets of your identity. Recognize that achieving balance takes time and introspection.
The audio element of the episode was crafted by Clare Marie Schneider, with the digital story edited by Malaka Gharib.
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