Parental Behavior at Youth Sports Events

The largest disruption at a girls’ flag football tournament in Revere, Massachusetts, wasn’t caused by the players. It was the adults managing the event. A coach and referee engaged in an altercation right in view of children who were there to play, not to witness a loss of composure from adults. Both later offered apologies, but what kind of example did they set?

There’s frequent talk about the perceived softness of kids today. They struggle to cope with losses, expect participation trophies, and require constant validation. However, as a psychotherapist, I question whether the blame is misplaced. Perhaps the issue isn’t children’s inability to handle setbacks, but their parents’ discomfort in witnessing their children face them.

Spending time at youth sports events often reveals parents yelling at referees and treating minor mistakes like personal offenses. For instance, a father might rebuke his son for making excuses after striking out, while simultaneously criticizing the umpire. Similarly, a mother may advise her daughter on sportsmanship, yet later express dissatisfaction with the coach’s allocation of playing time. These individuals often lament that America is rearing a generation of weaklings, yet react immaturely themselves at unfavorable referee decisions.

A parent might firmly discipline his child for shouting at a teacher yet feel justified hollering at a game official, perceiving it as defending his child. Nonetheless, standing up for one’s child doesn’t excuse bullying behavior.

Some parents link their self-worth to their child’s athletic achievement. If the child wins, they feel accomplished; if not, they feel humiliated. A father who didn’t achieve varsity status might view his son’s benching as a personal affront. Here, the child plays a sport, but the parent remains entangled in unresolved feelings from decades ago.

Your child’s sports experience isn’t a redo of your own past. Yelling at your child’s coach won’t alter decisions made in your own high school years.

Youth sports have turned into a costly enterprise. Dequay Canton (in the green polo; black shorts) claims he was protecting his team, the Carlynton Little Cougars, from racial discrimination, which led to a chaotic fight with coaches and parents at a game in western Pennsylvania. (Storyful)

Families invest heavily in travel teams, specialized training, and tournaments. Conversations about collegiate scholarships occur even before children reach teenage years. Given this financial investment, parents may feel entitled to certain outcomes. If their child isn’t starting, favoritism by the coach is assumed. If a loss occurs, incompetence is suspected. But sometimes kids face opponents who are simply superior. Sometimes a child has an unfortunate game. Venting won’t alter these realities.

Today, children’s dissatisfaction is viewed as something requiring immediate intervention, turning minor setbacks into emergencies. Losing isn’t disastrous, and bench time isn’t traumatic. If a coach instructs improvement, it’s not abusive. Yet some parents react as if their child has faced serious wrongdoing.

A child benched might lament for a couple of hours, complain during the drive home, and then move on. Meanwhile, his father remains angry days later, continuously replaying the coach’s actions. The child who struck out is over it, yet his father seethes until midweek.

These parents strip away essential learning experiences that sports can provide. Children should understand that effort doesn’t guarantee victory, that others may outperform them, and that life can be unfair. They need to learn independence in disappointment rather than expect adult intervention.

Adults, too, struggle with this mindset. Missing a promotion often results in assuming bias from superiors. Receiving critique leads to days of griping over perceived injustices instead of adapting.

Parents should act when genuine abuse or mistreatment occurs. But not being a starter isn’t cruelty. Losing a game or being advised to practice isn’t considered mistreatment. Protecting children from harm is different from shielding them from disappointment.

Returning to Massachusetts, a children’s tournament witnessed two adults clashing. If one of the young players had behaved similarly, likely she would be benched. Instead, adults needed the intervention.

The young players arrived for football yet witnessed adults behave poorly. Next time people assert that children can’t manage disappointment, they might do well to observe the adults on the sidelines. If a Little League game can ruin your weekend, perhaps it’s the adults who need maturity. Jonathan Alpert is a psychotherapist based in New York City and Washington, DC, and author of “Therapy Nation.”