Recognizing the Signs of a ‘Medium-Suck’ Marriage

A divorce lawyer shares her insights on identifying signs of what she describes as a ‘medium-suck’ marriage. In the United States, divorce remains prevalent. Researchers at the National Center for Family & Marriage Research estimate about 40% of first marriages end in divorce. While each couple has unique reasons for splitting, some common factors arise most often.

A study published in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice revealed the frequent causes cited by divorced individuals. These include a lack of commitment (75%), infidelity (59.6%), and excessive conflict and arguing (57.7%). Financial issues (36.7%) and substance abuse (34.6%) also contribute significantly.

Attorney Hannah Hembree Bell’s first marriage didn’t suffer due to a specific problem. There was no major conflict, yet also no genuine satisfaction. This led her to define her situation as a ‘medium-suck’ marriage. ‘There’s no disaster. You may rarely argue. Bills are paid, kids go to school, and family photos appear perfect. However, inside you’re quietly discontent,’ Hembree Bell explained to Newsweek.

The Moment of Realization

Hembree Bell recalled a significant moment during a dinner with her first husband. Despite dressing nicely and anticipating the evening, he barely looked up from the menu. Nearby, she noticed another couple deeply engaged with each other. This made her question why she wasn’t receiving such attention. That night, she realized she had accepted a ‘medium-suck’ life and wanted to change.

Now, Hembree Bell is happily remarried with a blended family. As a divorce attorney, she aids others through difficult transitions. Here are nine indicators you might be in a ‘medium-suck’ marriage:

1. Ambivalence About Leaving or Staying

There’s no clear reason to leave, but also nothing compelling to make you stay. Although your spouse may not be terrible, and your marriage might seem fine outwardly, you sense something missing.

2. Evaluating by Lack of Problems

Some measure marital success not by happiness but by the absence of problems. You might think, ‘He doesn’t hit me’ or ‘She’s a good mom.’ But avoiding catastrophe doesn’t equate to happiness.

3. Changing for Your Spouse

Many strive to become the person their spouse desires. You might think, ‘I’d be loved more if I lost weight’ or ‘If I were more fun.’ This can distract from whether your needs are being met.

4. Suppressing Needs

You might stop expressing needs after repeated disappointment. Requests for affection or conversation may dwindle, leading to silence that resembles resignation, not peace.

5. Feeling Lonely Together

Even in shared spaces, emotional loneliness can occur. You may feel isolated sitting beside your partner, despite sharing a life together.

6. Maintaining Appearances

You might excel at projecting a happy marriage. But the essential question remains: Are you genuinely happy?

7. Postponing Happiness

Some delay addressing marital issues until after major events—after the kids graduate or the mortgage is paid. But postponing decisions indefinitely only prolongs discontent.

8. Giving Up on Future Plans

Over time, you may stop dreaming of a better future, adjusting desires to fit your current life even if it no longer fits you.

9. Fear of Change

Fear of the repercussions of change can keep many in place. Concerns about children, finances, and possibly regretting decisions weigh heavily, yet staying comes with its own costs.

Recognizing these signs doesn’t automatically mean divorce. Hembree Bell emphasizes that while she is a divorce lawyer, not all marriages are meant to end. ‘Some marriages can be repaired. Some choose to stay and work through issues,’ she says.

For further inquiries, contact Newsweek editors Marc Vargas and Tony Phillips.