A Journey Through Loss and Self-Discovery
Lizzie from central Indiana describes her life as initially unremarkable. Raised in a loving family, she and her brother were adopted due to their mother’s autoimmune issues. Lizzie’s life changed when her mother died in 2002. She was 16, and soon after, her brother moved out, leaving her and her father to manage on their own until she finished high school.
Although she was culturally Christian, Lizzie didn’t engage deeply with the church until her teenage years. This commitment grew after meeting her future husband in 2005, who grew up in a strict evangelical environment. Together, they embraced an intensive church life, involving services, Bible studies, and youth groups. Their beliefs included views on marriage, motherhood, and the notion that having children was part of a divine plan. They married in 2008, and Lizzie anticipated becoming a mother and homemaker.
In 2010, Lizzie experienced her first miscarriage, six weeks into the pregnancy. Enduring physical and emotional pain, she received little comfort other than being told it was God’s will, urging her to move on. Outwardly, she managed, but internally, she crumbled.
The miscarriage triggered a resurgence of Lizzie’s depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Determined to be a better Christian, she persevered through infertility treatments and invasive procedures for six years. In 2016, she became pregnant again but faced devastating news. At nearly 20 weeks, doctors informed them their daughter had severe birth defects, incompatible with life.
Indiana law pressured Lizzie, giving her only three days to decide about terminating the pregnancy. Financial constraints prevented out-of-state travel for the procedure. Overwhelmed, Lizzie and her husband chose to carry to term, hoping for a miracle. Despite their faith, Lizzie sensed the likely outcome.
With her due date approaching, they prepared for their daughter’s death. They asked loved ones to write Christmas cards for their child, acknowledging it would be her only holiday. People were reluctant to confront the reality of their situation. On January 24, 2017, Lizzie gave birth to Maggie via C-section, who weighed 4 pounds and was 16.5 inches long.
Though Lizzie fell instantly in love with Maggie, her life was short. Maggie died about five hours after birth in her father’s arms. Following a memorial service and continued heartbreak, Lizzie faced more miscarriages. The strain led her to stop trying for children, realizing she needed to prioritize her health and well-being.
During this period, Lizzie pursued a master’s degree and reassessed her religious beliefs. A move to Iowa provided the emotional space for reflection, leading her to depart from evangelical Christianity. She now identifies as politically engaged, supports LGBTQIA+ rights, and is committed to therapy and women’s healthcare. In her 40s, she feels more aligned with her true self, embodying compassion and curiosity.
Lizzie began to question her past decisions, pondering whether carrying Maggie to term was beneficial. She now believes in the right to choose, viewing abortion as sometimes a compassionate decision. Carrying Maggie’s ashes in a Claddagh ring, Lizzie remembers her daughter with love, advocating for reproductive health and women’s autonomy. Lizzie’s story emphasizes that grief is personal, and individuals deserve the freedom to decide what’s best for themselves.