Cultivating Better Friendships

Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, shares practical advice on forming new friendships.

When you meet someone and feel they could be a friend, don’t rely on vague plans. Schedule a specific time to meet. Pull out your calendar, choose an activity, and commit to it. Specific plans increase the chance of meeting up.

If you’ve been out of practice in making new friends, Vellos suggests developing “friendship intuition.” This involves knowing who to prioritize, how to spend time together, and determining compatibility if the chemistry isn’t right.

To find friend potential in social spaces, observe who makes you feel warmth and safety. Notice their curiosity about getting to know you. It’s not just about charisma; it’s about feeling grounded.

Building new friendships requires quick engagement. Research from Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas indicates that converting an acquaintance to a friend takes over 30 hours of interaction, preferably condensed into the initial weeks of meeting.

Avoid arbitrary rules about how often to meet early on. Spending significant time together initially helps friendships stick.

Choose memorable activities over ordinary ones like coffee dates, which are easy to cancel and less engaging. Select something unique that relates to their interests to boost engagement like visiting an exhibit or festival.

Research from Cornell University shows that shared novel experiences bond people quicker than routine activities.

If you find the person isn’t a match after spending time together, it’s okay to reassess the relationship. Consider moving them to a broader connection circle if they don’t fit your inner circle.

When a friendship develops, focus on four key elements: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. These elements help sustain and deepen the friendship.

Compatibility involves mutual interests and chemistry; frequency refers to how often you interact. Proximity measures face-to-face time, and commitment involves dedication to maintaining the friendship.

For further insights, refer to Vellos’s book and explore more through Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.